Because every end is a new beginning...

Don't have much time to write this- have to start closing up the store soon, but I had the urge to update for some reason.

The past couple weeks have been nothing short of eventful, emotional, and trying. Even yesterday it seemed like everything anyone was holding inside of them couldn't stay in anymore, and we all let it out at the exact same time.

Everything, for me at least, is completely up in the air. Every single relationship I have right now is changing, without eggageration. It's like i'm having very serious, life altering conversations with everyone close to me. We're becoming more adult versions of our friendships, I suppose- a segway into how they will probably stay for a very long time. I've been waiting for that adjustment for a while now and for some reason i've felt more diplomatic about it all than emotional so I don't know if thats good or bad.

One thing i've learned is that everyone is confused. No matter how much they seem like they have it all together or how much they try to tell themselves they aren't-myself included. All I know right now is that I know nothing about whats going to happen, && I haven't been happier. Every day I get more proof that everything does happen the way it's supposed to. If I hadn't gone through what I had, I wouldn't have made the decision I did. Without that decision, I wouldn't have met half these people that have changed my life. Especially you. :)

Ok so i didnt say much of anything, but it's time to go. kthnxbye.

Sweet Summer <3

Today; after 12am. Learning that some people are having a harder time with this than I realized; and even the one that I did realize, is holding more against me than I thought [should have known].

I miss my friends; the life I had a year ago seems much more enjoyable now than it was at the time...I wonder if a year from now all this will as well? As time passes, bad memories fade && the good ones are all that remain. I am thankful for that, most definitely.

Summer is taunting me, more and more every day with quick reminders that it isn't far away. I wonder what people will come & go with the change of season, as they seem to do every year, at least one. This summer will be one of the best though for a lot of reasons. 1- completion. 2- warm weather = happier people. maybe. 3-travel opportunities are a must 4-return of excess money in my wallet which leads to 5-summer clothes which include 6-showing off my tattoo at the beach which involves 7-late nights && nostalgic times with friends I wouldn't trade for anything. Only possible negative is 8-summer classes.

My life started the summer I was 15. I've hit a crucial turning point in my life every summer since. All I have to say is that this time, I can't wait.

confused & sure all at the same time?

I have to say that the last month has been interesting to say the least. I'm amazed at how much i've learned in such a small amount of time. It isn't the benefits as far as a job, professional growth, or anything on the surface that i'm really happy i've aquired either. It's the things I've realized that few people even know about, that parts of me that are completely internal and emotional.

I didn't make the choice to do it, in all honesty, to be a successful businesswoman. I'm the kind of person that kind of always felt like I would be successful in that aspect regardless. {might be over-estimating due to the worlds position today, but still, Ive never worried I wouldnt get by}. The last year has been a transformation of sorts for me- battling the line between wanting to be an adult in a relationship while still holding on to all the insecurities that would never allow me to do that. So I did this, to better the relationship I have with myself, before anyone else. To know me, and to love me, regardless; working through those insecurities on my own so that, when I am ready, they don't carry on into a relationship with someone else. Everyone that knows me knows that I take care of everyone else before myself, but I think in this short amount of time i've learned how to take care of myself and everyone more equally.

I'm still battling with some things, but it has been months since I have kept myself awake worrying about them. I am more sure than ever that I am happy, and I have 21 new friends, and the ones that have been here for a while now, to thank for that. <3

Real Deals Coming for You...

I learned a lesson today by 10:30am. Publicity is Important. Seriously. Either way you look at it, people come up with shit when they're bored as a way to put themselves out there. And im sorry, but it works. Any publicity is good publicity if you think about it...(except maybe for Chris Browns recent blow up)

Exhibit A:

Real Deal Entertainments Message to Chris Brown:
"I'll F*ck your life up"



Exhibit B:


No matter what your opinion, this shit is entertaining if you have an open mind. Both videos make a point when you think about it. I think it's time we all gave our boredom and what we think are "stupid ideas" some credit.

{Message to Chris Brown courtesy of Real Deal Entertainment, check out myspace.com/jayo98 for more.}
{"I'm on a boat" found thanks to Mainza & his blog @ eightsevenmusic.com}

Holy sh*t its February.

I just want to start & say that I had the best last two days i've had in a while. I spent them in and out of the cold carrying bags and boxes and furniture. But because I spent them with the one person in the world that I can honestly say i've spent 85% of the last year with and i'm still not sick of {a miracle for me and prob why I stay around} they were completely worth this cold I have now. But anyways:

I'm in the process of creating a new "bucket list". I wrote one when I was in highschool of all the things I want to do before I die...So far the only thing I've done that I remember off of it is get a tattoo. My new and still under-construction list [starred ones are from the old one...not much about me has changed]:

- Go skydiving {which im actually planning to do this summer}
- Go to Australia
- Get into a good school** {now I suppose i can say grad school}
- Live in NYC for a few years** {now I think im leaning more towards california}
- Get & stay married
- Have mixed kids**{yes. that makes the list. if its on the list it will happen! lol}

- Meet these celebs** {Oprah, Angelina, Lupe Fiasco, && plz Mr Obama}

- Adopt a child from the Buffalo area**

- Write a book** {yeah i started a bunch...im lazy}

- Start a Business

- Buy a boat

- Have a house in California, Miami, and Buffalo.

- Buy a horse

- Go to Africa

- Own a Jag, BMW, Benz, maybe an Astin Martin.

- Go to a shooting range

Im sure I'll think of a lot more. But until then, back to work.

Martin Louie the King Jr?

So i'll admit when Kanyes CD first came out I didn't give it a chance. I liked the singles && that was about it. Now since Monday i've had it on repeat. I feel like 90% of the time- He's saying shit I just never found the words to say! I relate to every song, granted every song only has a few different lines repeated over again. But still. Mr Martin louie the king jr gets hurt, just like me. I always tend to think that cocky mtf's such as Mr. West have a lot of issues going on internally anyways and thats why they act the way they do...but to relate to him? It almost makes me feel better. cuz "the ppl highest up got the lowest self-esteem", right? Just a thought...

Is there more you should know?

I am completely aware that I don't know everything. And I am a strong believer that people can't necessarily be blamed for their ignorance depending on the environment that they grew up in. Knowing that, I still can't help but get pissed off by how fucking stupid people are.

For example, a customer walks in with her friends today and sees a Malcolm X poster on the wall. "Oh my god why would they have a Malcolm X poster here?! thats rediculous" she said. Right away I start listening to her every word just because i'm sure it can only get better from there. They walk around for a bit and then come full circle back to the picture. "I just want to take this picture and destroy it"."Why don't you like him?" one of her friends said. "Hes a black guy that wanted to kill every single white person-like slaughter them all." I wonder if they could feel the anger beaming off of me. Here she is, telling her friends this garbage. But is it her fault? She only could have heard that from her parents or some other adult that obviously thought it was true. It was by no means my place to interrupt and tell her to go read a book and then throw it at her parents for teaching her such BS. But I wanted to.

Growing up where I have, around the people that I have, all I can say is that i'm 100% happy that I am not that sheltered from reality. And I also have to realize that I can't heal the world from their ignorance. The best I can do, is teach the children I know, my cousins, whoever looks up to me- to know better. God help the rest. lol.
If you dont know, do your research before you speak:
Official Web Site of Malcolm X
http://www.cmgww.com/historic/malcolm/